Happy birthday...

(Warning... this has turned out to be a very long post!)

Happy birthday to Carol! I have been thinking of her all day today! It's so hard to believe she's 27 ! That's 2-7, as in years!

I've been asked many times through the years why I placed her for adoption. With some people I could almost hear them mutter under their breath "how could you even think of giving up your baby!!?" and yes, some even said it out loud. I tell my story basically the same, sharing at the level I think the receiver cares or is really paying attention, but I don't know that I've ever put it on paper before. I've found myself very easily lost in memories and thoughts as I've gone about my work for the last several days.

With Carol's pregnancy, the arrival of little Micah, year-old Madeline at church who comes to find me every day when she and her mom come to pick up sissy (Emma) from school, and Erika's preparation to flee from the nest, I find myself evaluating my life as a mom so much more. I don't know if that's because I'm transitioning from the active role of 'mom' to the more active role of 'grandma' or because I'm just working through an emotional part of my life. Either way, my life as a mother clearly begins with Carol.

My pregnancy with her was of course a surprise to me. I was not-yet-20 and very much wandering in my life. I was active duty in the AF, my way of doing something productive while trying to figure out where I belonged and what I needed and wanted to do with my life. Actually, I hoped for a genie to pop out and make me suddenly confident, smart, capable, and optimistic about my life ahead.

It goes without saying, though I guess I am, that I didn't make wise choices. Unmarried and not in a serious, stable, or even a healthy relationship, my story has become a passionate springboard for me to share why sex outside of marriage is not God's plan for us. Part of this life-lesson I understood immediately, but it would take years to fully work through, particularly the God-involved part.

So I find out that I was indeed pregnant; I remember the awareness early on that I was in no way equipped or prepared to raise a child, to be responsible for someone's life. It was like a slap in the face. As I look back it was almost like I immediately took a step back, outside of myself, and then I seemed to walk parallel with myself for several years following. I've wondered over the years if that was my way of punishing myself for the choices I made.

I made the decision for adoption early. Carol's birth father wasn't excited about that but has shared several times over the years that this was really the very best for her. I remember when I told my 1st Sgt, my supervisor's boss, SMSgt Rachel Shaw. I had a great deal of respect for her but was overwhelmingly intimidated. She was a big black woman with a gruff, direct, no-nonsense way and no one dared cross her. She had a warm, deep laugh, was extremely caring, well-spoken, and very intelligent. I wanted to be strong and smart like her, but not that intimidating!

I remember being shocked to my core when she suggested abortion (without using the "a" word) as an option-1st that she would even suggest it, but more so that anyone would. I tried not to show I was rattled and just said yes, I was aware of that option (truth? I'd never actually considered it!) but no, I'm not going to do that, I'm going to place her for adoption. She smiled, and said that was very good, she didn't think I would but had to ask. (Why did she have to ask?? I never had the nerve to find out.)

Early in my pregnancy I borrowed my roommate's car and drove from San Antonio to Sioux Falls to see my family. My mother was angry that I didn't wait until my sister's high school graduation in May to come home. When I was there and told her I was pregnant, her response was "why are you doing this to me??" then later "you know how I feel about premarital sex!" I think it goes without saying that I didn't do anything to her and no, I didn't know how she felt about premarital sex. Things in life were either right or wrong, but it was "because I said so." (It should be noted and very clear that I grew to understand and appreciate my mom much better over time. I didn't hold a grudge (for too long anyway), though I did often wish her response would have been different.)

My older sister was very supportive, the person in my life who, from the beginning of time, consistently cared and listened to me as though I had something valuable to offer. Several hundred miles and now a very different world separated us.

So that's the backdrop. Through my pregnancy I felt as though I had to walk a fine line and maintain an impossible balance-I needed to be strong, determined, and sure... and not get too attached (my own guard).

My roommate was wonderful, turned out to be a very good friend. She was a med tech & had a friend who was a radiology tech. Since ultrasound was very new at this time it would never have been done routinely through a doctor's office but Jill's friend offered to do one for me (I was assured it was safe!). That was such a special gift. In that cold, quiet room on a Saturday morning, the realization that this was truly a baby hit and I just let go and loved her. We all laughed, and we all cried, and it was ok.

This life grew inside of me. She moved, she kicked, she pressed against my bladder. She was active in the night when it was just the two of us. She tumbled and tucked under my rib cage. I remember lying awake some nights... If I kept her, where could we live? I would need a crib, clothes, a stroller, a car... and tried to list all the items and where I might be able to get them. Could I do it? Sure, I could... in that breath and in the same stream of thought I knew in my heart that wasn't what was best for her. She deserved a stable home, parents who were committed to each other, an extended family that was supportive. I went through that same thought process many times, each time ending with the same quiet, understanding.

So it's late... I've rambled. That's ok, though. I may ramble on again soon as there is so much more. I'm going to go call my daughter and wish her a happy birthday. :-)