good-bye Christmas 2008...

This was such an odd, surreal Christmas season... things never did seem to come together and the biggest part of me didn't care enough to make it come together. Although my emotions were genuine, my actions felt very forced and less than enthusiastic.

We finally put up our Christmas tree and decorated 4 days before Christmas (3 before Christmas Eve!) and although it was fun, the gray matter and physical effort that it took hardly seemed worth it. Erika and Stan did a wonderful job of helping and interacting with them was the real enjoyable part. I do very much like the tree, and the lights, and the decorations... it's just so much work for little reward but for that of "tradition".

I feel as though I did a horrible job of finding meaningful gifts for each person and we actually resorted to cash gifts this year. Although it fit very well with our deliberate decision to not purchase "a something" but rather to give each offspring something he/she could use as it best fit into their life, cash to me is very impersonal. I wanted to scream and beg forgiveness as I curled within myself, even while giving it. I was very glad to hear that Jason & Dollie intend to use it to help fund their "dates" which right now is so very important in their life as new parents.

Throughout this Christmas season I was reminded again and again how thankful I am, deep in my heart, that how I feel and what I do does not determine for me what Christmas is and what it means. I found myself breathing a little easier each time I came back to that knowledge, understanding that Christmas is always and only a celebration of what God has done for me... for us... in spite of our failings and our shortcomings.

I found myself incredibly blessed in ways I could not have anticipated nor expected this year- certainly not from being organized at home, caught up at work, able to prepare an abundance of delicious food, or finding the perfect gifts and having them wrapped well in advance (although I strived to do all of that and, as you know, fell pathetically short!).

The blessings I received came in the precious sharing of time and conversation with Jason & Dollie; enjoying Micah and marveling at his growth in just a few short weeks, watching his eyes light up as he saw his mommy or daddy or heard their voices, and certainly with cuddling and holding him.

The blessings came in witnessing the interactions between Erika and Shawn with Micah, and knowing their desire to not just see him on holidays but to be part of his life as he grows. The blessings were in the helpful hands and loving attitudes of Dollie, Jason, and Emily on Christmas Eve day as we worked to prepare food, although we learned that one recipe at a time, we lacked most ingredients that were needed. It was in the assuring realization that I could walk away from the house with Erika to go to church early with the crock pots still turned on and things still needing to be done, and not only would Jason, Dollie, and Emily take care of them, but do so (and did!) willingly and joyfully. I left the house Christmas Eve afternoon with a quarter-sized hole and wide run in my tights, terribly typical of the day... dropped Erika off and headed to the drug store for new tights.

Erika played a beautiful french horn solo of "What Child is This?" during the Christmas Eve service; Emily, Jason, Dollie & Micah were with us, and Stan participated in the reader's drama in the service (I've always loved the sound of his voice!). Erika's grandpa & grandma came to our church for Christmas Eve to hear her play (that's the kind of grandparents we want to be!) which brings tears to my eyes and a large throat-lump even now. The church service was full and rich in every sense imaginable.

Shawn and Hollie had to work but were both home when we got back from church. Jeremy & Jen joined us and we ended up with a very relaxing evening spending time playing games, eating, and enjoying each others company. The blessings came to me, not in what I did to prepare for this holiday, but in what God did for me in giving me a place in this world where I belong and with people that I very much enjoy spending time with.

I desperately missed Meghan & Stephen being home this year. Even with all the people here and the activity, there was a gaping hole. I tried again and again to understand in my mind that its "fair" that they take turns with families on holidays, but it didn't make my heart feel any better. We planned to spend New Year's Eve & Day with them and was so very glad for that-it quickly became something really big to look forward to. Our visit with them was extremely enjoyable. It helped to be able to see where Stephen works, their apartment, and some of their community. Their new apartment is cozy, comfortable, and so perfect for them-Meghan has done a beautiful job of creating a home! I'm glad (and envious) that Erika was able to spend several extra days with Meghan & Stephen over her break.

All of that said, we are now living in year of 2009. I sense these next 12 months will bring some very big changes and quite surprisingly, I'm looking forward to what those will be. We will certainly witness the birth of our 2nd grandchild and look forward to meeting Memphis in just a few short weeks. Carol and John will give birth to their 1st child together and I can't wait to hit the road for grandchild #3! We pray for protection for both of these babies and their mothers as they continue to grow and develop until God is ready for them to enter this world.

Erika and Hollie will graduate from high school in the spring and move on to the next phase in their lives. Shawn is planning to finish at Longview then attend NW in Maryville in the fall. Meghan and Stephen will probably move again within the next 12 months (statistics would point us toward that) and if that happens I hope much closer to KC. These are rather predictable, albeit major, changes. What else the Lord has for us only He knows.